


Don't Talk Back to Me

by JayFeather2056



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Dialogue-Only, M/M, Random & Short, i have no explanation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-24
Updated: 2018-11-24
Packaged: 2019-08-28 17:49:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16728099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JayFeather2056/pseuds/JayFeather2056
Summary: Derek and Stiles are at the supermarket, and arguing as usual.Disclaimer: This is dialogue only, just because I wanted to see if I could do it.Small excerpt:“I hate you.”“Stop lying to yourself, you fucking love me.”“I have dreams about you getting hit by a bus.”“Oh really? Odd. That sounds like it’s a you problem.”“...I hope I dream it enough that it comes true.”“Ha! I can be Regina George. I guess that makes you the weird girl who made out with a hot dog.”“What.”“You really are old. Hey, PIE!”





	Don't Talk Back to Me

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, I saw this thing where someone challenged themselves to write a story that was 1. Only dialogue. 2. Funny and interesting to read. 3. under 1000 words. and I wanted to try it out...
> 
>  
> 
> 1/3 ain't bad

“No stiles, we’re not getting the ones with nuts.”

“You bet your werewolf buns we are.”

“I’m not arguing with you...again. Put it back.”

“No sour-wolf. I’m the cook, I say we get the ones with nuts.”

“Well I own the kitchen you’re cooking in and I say no.”

“Well, I say no to your no, beat that you grump.”

“I’m older.”

“Oh god, weak. So you’re an old man. That won’t make me change my mind.”

“Stiles, put it back.”

“Nope! What kind of satanic shit are you into anyways? Who doesn’t like nuts in their brownies?”

“Uh, lots of people. In fact the majority. Put it back.”

“You made that up.”

“No I didn’t. You're the odd man out in this case- actually in most cases. You’re just odd. Now put it back.”

“No man. You asked me to cook for this party of yours and I agreed as a favor from the goodness in my heart. You’re welcome. Let my creative nature run free - like stallions.”

“You’re creative nature is brownies with nuts in them?”

“And don’t you forget it, wolf.” 

“God you’re so fucking stupid just- Urgh. Put them back.”

“No. for the good of the party.”

“It’s not a party, and look, we already have brownie mix in the basket! Why would we need more-”

“OPTIONS Derek. Options.”

“Don’t wave that thing in my face! Stiles I’m about to hit you.”

“What’s new? Haha. Listen, we should also get jello.”

“No.”

“What?! What party doesn’t have jello! You’re sick and you need help.”

“For the last time it’s not a party! Just a small get together for pack night, because Cora is coming down and I want to make a good impression, make her think my pack is actually well put together-”

“Hey! Watch where you’re rolling the cart jackass, you just ran over my fucking foot! I think I need life support! CPR somebody! I just got bulldozed by a leather-wearing, walking, breathing, angst. That’s it. He’s an angst. Not a human, an angst!”

“Do you ever shut up? Say angst one more time and I will kill you.”

“I can’t help it, you’re so angsty.” 

“Fuck you Stiles, and get that shit-eating grin off your face. Why did I ever agree to shop with you?”

“Because if I weren’t here, you wouldn’t have jello.”

“Ah yes, of course. I remember now. I hate myself and take punishment whenever I can get it. Why else would I be around you?”

“Listen buddy, I save your ass all the time-”

“I think it’s me who saves you actually.”

“Excuse me? And if you hit the back of my foot with that squeaky ass cart one more time I’m going to start throwing things at you.”

“Walk faster.”

“Stop speeding up!”

“Quit putting shit in the cart! I’m paying for all of this you know!”

“So? I’m cooking all of it.”

“I don’t have all the money in the world stuffed up my ass Stiles. Hey! Put that back! We don’t need Mac n Cheese. Stop getting junk food.”

“Star in the next twilight movie if you need the money. Stop taking stuff out of the cart and putting it back on the shelf. GOD. you are a child.”

“I’m a child? Hell no, you’re the child! You insufferable, stubborn, annoying-”

“I’m sorry, I can’t hear you when you mumble sour-wolf. Speak up.”

“I hate you.”

“Stop lying to yourself, you fucking love me.”

“I have dreams about you getting hit by a bus.”

“Oh really? Odd. That sounds like it’s a you problem.”

“...I hope I dream it enough that it comes true.”

“Ha! Hey, I can be Regina George. I guess that makes you the weird girl who made out with a hot dog.”

“What.”

“You really are old. Hey, PIE!”

“NO!”

“Why not! Live a little! I never get to eat unhealthy stuff because I’m setting an example for my dad. He won't be at the -”

“-if you call it a party, I’m running you over with the cart-”

“-party.” 

“God Stiles! WE HAVE ENOUGH!”

“I don't think so. You werewolves can pack shit away for sure, eat enough to feed a whole country of people. Hey do you think fish know that they’re going to be eaten when they get caught?”

“What the- what has that got to do with- Stiles let’s just fucking go. PLEASE.”

“Oh look, It’s Mrs. McCall.”

“Fan-fucking-tastic, let's go.”

“And my...dad...oh. Oh no! Derek I told you about the thing right?” 

“...thing…?”

“Yeah. So funny story, some little old lady saw us out and about doing normal supernatural things.”

“...ok?”

“So she sees us with a bunch of candles and overhears us...talking about ‘getting down to business’. Ha. Remember those spells we had to break because the curse on the b- don't glare at me - Anyways apparently she went to my dad and told him about his freaky son and his scary handsome boyfriend. I denied it of course, but somehow she’s not the only one who’s told him something about us being together- Long story short-’

“Too late.”

“Half the town plus my dad thinks we’re really kinky and gay together.”

“And were you ever going to tell me any of this?”

“Hell no.”

“You know what? I hope your dad actually believes them and that he thinks you’re freaky, just because I'm spiteful and wish the worst upon you.”

“Gee, thanks babe.”

“...I prefer sour-wolf over babe. Never call me that again. Speaking of which, why would you want to be seen with me out in public if everyone thinks we’re gay together? Wouldn’t that convince them more that it's true?”

“I don’t care honestly. I’m a junior in high school and people think i'm dating a 10 who has a badass car and money? Why would I tell them no? Let them believe I’m that awesome.”

“...you think I’m a 10…” 

“Don’t fish for compliments, it’s rude. Ok, Scott's mom and my dad are coming this way. Act natural.”

“...”

“You call that natural. Get the look of murder off your face dude! My dad’s a cop. He’ll take one look at you and he’ll start looking for a dead body.”

“Does it matter Stiles? He already thinks I’m a murderer. Remember?”

“Oh yeah. No wonder the prospect of us dating pissed him off. Good job you criminal, you.”

“Stiles-”

“Shh- here they come!!...Heyy Dad... Daddio! The old man, The old pops. Pops-icle. Poppa! Pots and pans-”

“Enough of that Stiles.”

“OoOk... What are you doing here...? In this establishment that is...right here? In this place. With Mrs. McCall...Hi Melissa.”

“Hi Stiles….and Mr. Hale…”

“Oh he’s a angsty mute, you don’t have to be nice to him. OW! That hurt-”

“Stiles, what’s going on here? I thought you were at the house.” 

“-don’t kick me again Derek. Huh? Oh yeah, I was dad, but uh...now I’m here…”

“Yes, I see that. With Derek Hale.”

“Yeppers! ...Sorry I don’t know why I just said that, I get weird when I’m...in the supermarket…??? We’re just out...shopping together. As not-boyfriends.”

“...”

“...”

“Way to go Stiles. Really selling the whole not-dating thing.”

“You’re a mute Derek, act like one. Don’t talk back to me.”

“I swear, Stiles, call me mute again-”

“Shh!”

“Stiles, why are you here, shopping with Derek Hale?”

“Dad would you please stop calling him by his full name, it's weird. And we're not doing anything. I just...am...hungry. With the munchies. So Derek is buying me food because...well. He has a good heart.”

“...”

“Stiles honey, Is Scott with you? He told me he was…”

“Uh… He sure is Mrs. McCall. Out in the car, as our get away driver, hehe. It was a joke dad.”

“Stiles, listen. I want you home before midnight, you hear?”

“Yes sir. Can do. You can count on me, bro-dad. Don’t worry about it.”

“Oh Stiles. Just… be careful, kid.”

“I will be.”

“Alright. I guess we're out of here then.”

"Already? Aw too soon." 

“You're funny Stiles. Tell Scott to be home by midnight as well, ok?”

“Sure thing Melissa! Hey wait, you never told me why you guys are here?”

“Oh right. Thanksgiving shopping believe it or not. Melissa and I are planning on joining our thanksgivings together.”

“Oh AWESOME. Can’t wait for that! It sounds great!" 

"Hopefully it will be. Keep it as a surprise for Scott!" 

"I will! Goodbye!”

“Bye Stiles.”

“Midnight, Stiles! Not a second later!”

“Ok, see ya dad!”

“...”

“Whew. That wasn’t so bad. A little awkward. I think that was just because of you though. I’m kind of glad they didn’t say anything about the whole dating you thing- HEY. Stop putting stuff back on the shelves Derek!”

“Never.”

“I swear to god. Give me that bag of chips right now!”

“Nope.”

“Hey, bring the cart back here right now!”

“You should have got your own cart if you wanted all this stuff.”

“I hate you!”

“Don’t lie, you love me.”

“Haha I just love having my own words thrown back in my face like that. Really it turns me on. Also that whole 'loving you' thing is seriously up for debate right now. It kinda feels like I hate you at the moment, not going to lie -SLOW DOWN!”

“Put the pringles away and I will!”

“Pringles are a national treasure! I will not tolerate any disrespect!”

“Then good luck getting them in the cart.”

“This is ridiculous! You have to stop at some point asshole!”

“Bet.”

“This is so childish. I’m not chasing you around the store like a five year old, waving a can of pringles in the air!”

“Ok. Sucks to be you then, I’m an adult Stiles, fully functioning. I get to decide when I want to act childish or not. And now is the time.”

“Derek, wait!”

“Don’t you play lacrosse? Why are you so out of breath?”

“I don’t have super stamina, excuse you.”

“Guess you can’t keep up then. Have fun.”

“Yo, I held your ass up in a pool for hours, give me a fucking break.”

“Fine, but I want to stop all this junk food nonsense, and get real food.”

“Fucking fine, just stop rolling away already, yeesh!”

“Ok. Here.”

“Thank you, god.” 

“Yeah, you’re fucking welcome. I didn’t have to stop, you know?”

“Ugh, you're a jerk.”

“Yeah you too.”

“Hmph. I liked it better when you were grumpy and never talked. Let’s walk over to the meats. I feel like fixing a ham or something.”

“Right, Ok.”

“Damn right it’s ok. I fucking just chased your ass across half the store. You better let me fix the shit out of that ham and then serve it to you later on, when it’s all delicious. You’re welcome in advance. asshole.”

“Stiles, you’re an idiot.”

“Ha. Thanks man. Self awareness is important.”

“Of course. I just wanted to help you out.”

“Want to help me out? Get all these people to stop staring at us... that’d help me out.”

“Sorry, you caused a scene. They have a right to stare at us now. Just like they have the right to assume things about us I guess.”

“Right, right.”

“So…”

“...”

“What? So what Derek? I need more to work with here!” 

“We’re dating huh?”

“Apparently. We’re always together if you think about it. A logical conclusion. In fact, I think since Scott met Allison and became obsessed with her, people see me with you more than him lmao.”

“Yeah...funny. Why would they think we’re dating though? No one thought you and Scott were dating.”

“Maybe because Scott and I have no sexual attraction to each other.”

“...”

“...”

“...”

“Sorry man, don’t hate the player hate the game.”

“...”

“I’m a catch asshole. You should be lucky people think you’re with me. Otherwise they’d think you’re with Issac or Boyd or Erica. I’m clearly a 15 out of 10.”

“Yeah ok Stiles. Whatever you say.”

“Bitch I am gorgeous-”

“-I’m not going to kiss you in a supermarket-”

“-I am fucking B-E-A-U- wait what?”

“...”

“Hey, stop rolling away from me you sour-wolf! You said something about a kiss!? Derek? DEREK!”

“Try and keep up Stiles.”

“DEREK!”


End file.
